Michael Scott Quotes

NBC’s sitcom, The Office, aired for nine seasons and kept viewers laughing from the time it debuted on March 24, 2005, until its final episode was aired on May 16, 2013. Of all the very humorous characters that are portrayed in the series, the central character, Michael Scott, is the funniest and unsurprisingly, the most loved by the show’s fans. In case you are not familiar with the show, reading through these Michael Scott quotes will make you understand why won many hearts.

The character of Michael Gary Scott was played by Steve Carell who remained on the show from the first to the seventh season before he eventually left and was replaced. In The Office, Scott works in a paper company known as Dunder Mifflin, Inc. as the Regional Manager of the Scranton Branch and he recorded numerous memorable funny quotes and one-line jokes during his time on the show.

From completely senseless quotes to very confusing mix-up of words to an easily perceived misunderstanding of practically everything, Michael Scott has entertained fans to uncountable moments of uncontrollable laughter. To share in the fun, read these Michael Scott quotes below.

100 Inspiring Michael Scott Quotes That Will Teach You Life Lessons

1. Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

2. No, Rose, they are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs … Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there?

3. Well, it’s love at first sight. Actually, it was… No, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.

4. Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.

5. Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.

6. And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.

7. Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.

8. I guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working.

9. I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday. Convention.

10. I’m sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans!

11. Friends joke with one another. ‘Hey, you’re poor.’ ‘Hey, your momma’s dead.’ That’s what friends do.

12. No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them.

13. I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible.

14. Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable.

15. Toby is in HR which technically means he works for corporate. So he’s not really a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced… so he’s not really a part of his family.

16. I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

17. I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.

18. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… An office is a place where dreams come true.

19. I am Beyonce, always.

20. I had a great summer. I got west Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. And I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected. Even though I peed on it…

21. If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

22. Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.

23. I say dance, they say ‘How high?’

24. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn’t moving, you might think she was dead.

25. The worst thing about prison was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary, and they’d come down and they’d suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt!

26. Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly… I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.

27. Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.

28. Tell him to call me ASAP as possible.

29. Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So, you know you are getting the best possible information.

30. There’s no such thing as an appropriate joke. That’s why it’s called a joke.

31. I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends, and no one can say ‘no’ to being my friend.

32. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? … I really can’t say, but yes!

33. Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.

34. I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage, because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.

35. I don’t come up with this stuff, I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest the guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.

36. It just seems awfully mean. But sometimes, the ends justify the mean.

37. I don’t understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn’t even work here.

38. Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square… named for the good times you have when you’re in it.

39. I want today to be a beautiful memory that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it, then it’ll suck.

40. I tried, I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail. I feel like I’m dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in Scream II. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy and then the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. I learned a lot of lessons from that movie, this is just one of them.

41. When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country! Ok?

42. Webster’s Dictionary defines wedding as: The fusing of two metals with a hot torch.

43. Number 8. Learn how to take off a woman’s bra: You just twist your hand until something breaks.

44. Nobody likes beets, Dwight! Why don’t you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy.

45. The people that you work with are, when you get down to it, your very best friends.

46. I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up I would definitely not go.

47. It’s a pimple, Phyllis. Avril Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive.

48. I guess the attitude that I’ve tried to create here is that I’m a friend first and a boss second and probably an entertainer third.

49. I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?

50. I’m making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way: when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails; the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star… or any number of drag queens.

51. Now, you may look around and see two groups here. White collar, blue collar. But I don’t see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.

52. Do I have a special someone? Well, yeah of course. A bunch of ’em. My employees

53. I love my employees even though I hit one of you with my car

54. It takes you thirty seconds to brush your teeth? Wow that’s ten times as long as it takes me.

55. Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them.

56. This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she’s cute now you should have seen her a couple years ago.

57. Is there something besides ‘Mexican’ you prefer to be called? Something less offensive?

58. If you don’t like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus…Or the front of the bus or drive the bus.

59. That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here.

60. I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I’ve only seen ‘Antz.’ But I’ll tell you something, what I respect about that man is that when he was going through all of that stuff that came out in the press, about how ‘Antz’ was just a ripoff of ‘A Bug’s Life,’ he stayed true to his films. Or at least the film that I saw, which, again, was ‘Antz.’ Thing is, I thought ‘A Bug’s Life’ was better, much better than ‘Antz.’ Point is, don’t listen to your critics. Listen to your fans.

Michael Scott Quotes
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61. I have cause. It is beCAUSE I hate him.

62. There were these huge bins of clothes and everybody was rifling through them like crazy. And I grabbed one and it fit! So, I don’t think that this is totally just a woman’s suit. At the very least it’s bisexual.

63. Presents are the best way to show how much you care. It’s a tangible thing you can point at and say, ‘Hey man, I love you. This many dollar worth.

64. Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And I have a great one. Little Kid Lover. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

65. Pizza: the great equalizer.

66. I took her to the hospital. And the doctors tried to save her life, they did the best they could. And she is going to be okay.

67. Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything for anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter where. Or who, or who you are with, or where you are going or… or where you’ve been… ever. For any reason, whatsoever.

68. If you break that girl’s heart, I will kill you. That’s just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl’s heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family.

69. Oh, this is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest… that’s what she said.

70. I am a theatrical person. Growing up I always thought I would become an actor, because, I have these memorization tricks that I use. For instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by singing it to the tune of Old Macdonald: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America / And to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. / With a woof woof here and a woof woof there, here a woof, there a woof, everywhere a woof woof.

71. And I’m optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate.

72. They say on your deathbed you never wish you spent more time at the office — but I will.

73. There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles and find true love.

74. Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing

75. I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish…sort of a virtual United Nations.

76. Ok, too many different words from coming at me from too many different sentences.

77. Abraham Lincoln once said that, ‘If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.’ And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.

78. Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don’t know if you guys know about it, but, basically, you make someone think the opposite of what you believe. And that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.

79. We’re all homos. Homo… Sapiens.

80. Hi Holly, it’s Michael. I just wanted to call and let you know that I was thinking about what you said, it’s just… you know? It’s weird, today I ended up seeing a lot of the women that I used to date, and in my mind, they were all great, and then when I actually saw them it was mostly a freak show. And you and me, that must’ve been a real train wreck. You know what? Holly, you’re wrong. You are wrong. I remember every second of us, and talking to you today, I-don’t-feel for them anything like what I feel for you. It’s… I didn’t joke with any of them, I joked with you, you were the only one who was actually happy to hear from me, and I don’t know why you downgraded what we had, but I did not make us up. Ok. Oh, and you might… you should talk to a doctor because you might have herpes. Bye!

81. I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl. So, I’m wise and I have worms.

82. The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money.

83. Like right here is my favorite New York pizza joint. And I’m going to go get me a New York slice.

84. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy.

85. About 40 times a year, Michael gets sick but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned.

86. Hi, I’m Date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning?

87. They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that you’re lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that’s crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.

88. You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is President! You are black, Stanley!

89. You cheated on me? When I specifically asked you not to?

90. The world sends people your way. Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here. No idea where Creed came from. The point is, you just have to play with the cards that you’re dealt. Jim, that guy is an Ace. Dwight is my King up my sleeve. Phyllis is my Old Maid. Oscar is my Queen. That’s easy. Give me a hard one. That’s what Oscar said. Toby is the Instruction Card you throw away, Pam is a solid 7, and you know, Ryan is probably like a 2. Sometimes 2s can be wild, so watch out. And I’m obviously the Joker.

91. Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown. tweet

92. I feel like all my kids grew up, and then they married each other. It’s every parents’ dream.

93. I want you to rub butter on my foot…Pam, please? I have Country Crock.

94. I’ve got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.

95. My mind is going a mile an hour.

See Also: 100 Famous Marilyn Monroe Quotes That Still Inspire Us Today

96. It is St. Patrick’s Day….It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.

97. Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly, we didn’t connect, I was miserable. Now, I am in the best relationship of my life, with the same woman. Love is a mystery.

98. I don’t want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who’s undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

99. I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon.

100. Oh, look! A Sbarro. My favorite New York pizza joint. And I’m going to go get me a New York slice!

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