Ron Swanson Quotes

The American political satire TV sitcom, Parks and Recreation aired more than seven seasons for about six years on NBC and became a lot of people’s favorite show, thanks to its amazing characters, including Ron Swanson, portrayed by Nick Offerman. In this article, our main focus is on Ron Swanson quotes and by the time you get to read them, you will understand why we chose him of all the characters.

Meanwhile, on the show Parks and Recreation, Ron Swanson is the director of the Parks and Recreation Department in the town of Pawnee, Indiana, and he is a patriotic and cynical man who takes no form of nonsense. A libertarian with a penchant for breakfast foods, Ron holds the opinion that a government should be as small as possible and as such, he works towards ensuring that his department is ineffective, employing the services of workers who either do not care about their jobs or perform very poorly at them.

Nevertheless, he knows how to motivate his employees to do some decent hard-work through the use of money, fear, and hunger. Below are some Ron Swanson quotes that will make your day, not just today but many days and years to come.

60 Evergreen Ron Swanson Quotes To Make Your Day

1. My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe… when he desires them.

2. Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.

3. If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.

4. I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some fishing.

5. I like saying no. It lowers their enthusiasm.

6. Strippers do nothing for me… but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.

7. The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.

8. On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.

9. One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.

10. Child labor laws are ruining this country.

11. Put some alcohol in your mouth to block the words from coming out.

12. Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.

13. Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye.

14. Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.

15. Ron, your family is beautiful.

16. There has never been a sadness that can’t be cured by breakfast food.

17. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

18. Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night if it meant nothing got done.

19. Friends: one to three is sufficient.

20. There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.

21. Next thing you want to do is ditch the terrier, and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless.

22. Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat.

23. Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.

24. The songs just play one right after the other! This is an excellent rectangle.

25. I did, thank you again, I sold some of my gold and officially diversified my portfolio.

26. Sting like a bee, but do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.

27. Crying – acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

Ron Swanson Quotes

28. It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.

29. Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.

30. Leslie: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?
Ron: People are idiots, Leslie.

31. There’s only one thing i hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.

32. Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

33. Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.

34. Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.

35. That’s gonna cost you an arm and a leg. Did you take my advice?

36. My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My Mom’s name is Tamara… she goes by Tammy.

37. Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.

38. America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.

39. Was born ready. I’m Ron F***ing Swanson.

40. Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.

41. When i eat, it is the food that is scared.

42. I am not a sore loser. It’s just that I prefer to win, and when I don’t, I get furious.

43. I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.

44. When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.

45. The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.

46. [Holds up iPod] Tom, put all my records into this rectangle. The songs just play one after the other. This is an excellent rectangle.

47. There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.

48. Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.

49. [On bowling] “Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating

50. Ann: Do you exercise?
Ron: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.

51. Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.

52. I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible.

53. Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait… wait. I worry what you just heard was: ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs’. What I said was: ‘Give me all the bacon and eggs you have’. Do you understand?

54. I regret nothing. The end.

55. I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.

See Also: 50 Favourite Alice in Wonderland Quotes To Get You Through The Day

56. I’m not interested in caring about people.

57. If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.

58. It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.

59. I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.

60. So you talked to Tammy? What is it like to stare into the eye of Satan’s butthole?

data-matched-content-rows-num="2" data-matched-content-columns-num="4" data-matched-content-ui-type="image_stacked" data-ad-format="autorelaxed">
SHARE