Born George Denis Patrick Carlin on the 12th of May 1937, in Manhattan, New York, George Carlin was famed not only as a stand-up comedian and an actor but also as an author and social critic whose belief in saying things the way they are was unwavering. He was popular for his black comedy and cogitations on various subjects, including religion and politics among others. Though dead, many of George Carlin’s quotes are still fresh and capable of making one smile through the day.
Before his death on June 22, 2008, George had produced twenty albums in addition to series of comedy specials. Prior to going into entertainment, the master of black comedy was a recruit of the United States Air Force. However, his time there was full of problems which led to his being court-martialed on three different occasions; first, for celebrating the victory of Brooklyn Dodgers in the 1995 World Series, then for napping during a combat training drill, and lastly, for uttering the seven infamous dirty words. All these eventually led to his discharge.
Check out some of George Carlin’s quotes that will keep your spirit high all through the day, ready to laugh?
150 Inspiring George Carlin’s Quotes
1. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
2. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
3. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
4. Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.
5. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
6. Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on it? We have the war on crime, the war on cancer, the war on drugs. But did you ever notice that we have no war on homelessness? You know why? Because there’s no money in that problem. No money to be made off of the homeless. If you can find a solution to homelessness where the corporations and politicians can make a few million dollars each, you will see the streets of America begin to clear up pretty damn quick!
7. That’s why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.
8. I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.
9. When you are born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you are born in America, you get a front-row seat.
10. Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
11. If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
12. Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.
13. Don’t just teach your children to read…teach them to question everything that they read…teach them to question everything.
14. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
15. I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fu**ing hatreds.
16. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
17. I think people should be allowed to do what they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
18. Electricity is really just organized lightning.
19. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
20. I often warn people: ‘Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no ‘I’ in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an ‘I’ in independence, individuality, and integrity.’
21. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
22. When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.
23. The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
24. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
25. Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
26. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
27. Some people see the glass half full, others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.
28. When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.
29. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
30. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
31. There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
32. How is it possible to have a civil war?
33. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
34. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit.
35. Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
36. Just ‘cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean that the circus has left town.
37. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
38. You know how I define the economic and social classes in this country? The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. The poor are there…just to scare the shit out of the middle class. Keep ’em showing up at those ‘jobs.’
39. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
40. Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
41. Think off-center.
42. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
43. We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.
44. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
45. It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
46. Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
47. One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like.
48. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
49. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
50. Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away.
51. How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet?
52. There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I’m certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
53. It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.
54. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
55. Meow’ means ‘woof’ in cat.
56. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
57. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
58. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders.
59. Everyone smiles in the same language.
60. When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.
61. Religion is just mind control.
62. Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
63. People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
64. Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
65. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
66. There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
67. People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
68. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
69. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
70. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
71. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
72. I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. …These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
73. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
74. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
75. …If there is a God, I am convinced he is a he because no woman could or would ever f**k things up this badly
76. Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
77. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
78. Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
79. Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
80. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to f**k.
81. ‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?
82. Things you never hear: ‘Please stop sucking my d**k or I’ll call the police’.
83. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
84. I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: ‘Alcohol will turn you into the same a**hole your father was’.
85. I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
86. I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
87. There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
88. Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.
89. People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
90. Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
91. There are 200 countries in the world now. Do these people honestly think that God is sitting around picking out his favorites? Why would he do that? Why would God have a favorite country? And why would it be America out of all the countries? Because you have the most money? Because he likes our National Anthem? Maybe it’s because he heard we have 18 delicious flavors of Classic Rice-A-Roni! It’s delusional thinking! And America is not alone with this sort of delusions.
92. Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies.
93. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody’s gonna be disappointed. Somebody’s wasting their fucking time. Could it be everyone?”
94. Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren’t they? They’re all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you’re born, you’re on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don’t want to know about you. They don’t want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you’re preborn, you’re fine; if you’re preschool, you’re f**ked.
95. I’m pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.
96. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see. …We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers’ attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters
97. Selling is legal. F**king is legal. Why isn’t selling f**king legal?
98. Life is not that complicated. You get up, you go to work, you eat three meals, you take one good shit, and you go back to bed. What’s the f**king mystery.
99. Conservatives don’t give a shit about you until you reach military age. Then they think you are just fine, just what they’ve been looking for.
100. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
101. Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
102. So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
103. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
104. I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
105. Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
106. I think I am, therefore, I am… I think.
107. There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’
108. How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes…dies.
109. I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend – I didn’t bother with him.
110. A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.’
111. I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle, and Tucker.
112. Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
113. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
114. Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
115. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post ‘Thou shalt not steal’, ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’, and ‘Thou shalt not lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
116. Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.
117. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
118. If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.
119. My mother would say, ‘Why are you always playing alone?’ And I would say, ‘I’m not playin’, Ma. I’m f**kin’ serious!’
120. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
121. We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
122. Your dog thinks you’re a god. Your cat thinks the dog’s an a**hole.
123. The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
124. I dislike and despise groups of people but I love individuals. Every person you look at; you can see the universe in their eyes if you’re really looking.
125. When someone is impatient and says, ‘I haven’t got all day’, I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?
126. You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.
127. There is a planet named Pluto, but we don’t have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
128. Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
129. Did you ever stop to think about all the people we kill? They’re always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They all said: ‘Try to live together peacefully’. Bam! Right in the f**ing head! Apparently we’re not ready for that!
130. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
131. If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain.
132. All the media and the politicians ever talk about are things that separate us, things that make us different from one another.
133. The God excuse: the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.
134. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
135. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but not to where the guilt is.
136. I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
137. We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.
138. And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.
139. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
140. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
141. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
142. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans
143. A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.
144. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
145. A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I’m messed up out of my mind on Jesus Christ.
146. People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a ‘common purpose’. ‘Cause pretty soon they have little hats. And armbands. And fight songs. And a list of people they’re going to visit at 3 am.
147. We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.
148. When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.
149. The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backward. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating…and you finish off as an orgasm.
150. The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.